After three years of delays, including the court being closed due to Covid-19, the Trial of the drunk driver responsible for my brother’s death and two others came down to a Plea Deal. Instead of a Trial, there would now only be the Sentencing. When the Sentencing date landed on the last day of our virtual Bible study class, I struggled with deciding whether or not to go, along with a few other things. Little by little, in the weeks ahead, it all got worked out.
I could have run the virtual class from our motel room on my laptop computer if the Sentencing hadn’t been scheduled simultaneously. They were both to be on the same day and at the same time more than 500 miles apart. Once I got past my initial question of, “Couldn’t it have waited one more week after all this time?!” The big question was, “Should I go or stay?” Though it wasn’t what I wanted, it seemed apparent I should stay since there was no one to run the virtual Bible study class but me. The District Attorney said we could be there and speak, or we could send a letter that the Judge would read. It seemed sending the letter was the way to go.
When I told the Teaching Director at Bible study the Sentencing date, she said if I wanted to be there, they would be ok and even encouraged me to go to have closure. She also prayed for God to guide my path and told me to pray hard. I wasn’t so much concerned about having closure, though. I wanted to go and represent my family, hoping to impress on the court that what they do there mattered very much to us. So, I did pray hard. I also sent in my Victim’s Impact Statement for the Judge to read if I couldn’t attend.
While updating friends on how the Trial had turned into the Sentencing, one friend commented that I would finally be able to tell the defendant I forgave her. That was a scary thought for some reason. It made me wonder if I had truly forgiven her. I thought I had, but now with the fear of looking her in the eye and telling her, I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to read my Victim’s Impact Statement in court, the one the Lord had given me soon after my brother’s death back in Courage Ridge. But now, having an actual date, it had become more real. Would I have the courage to face her and the hurting families who may not understand or even think it’s right to forgive someone who recklessly killed our loved ones? I didn’t know, but I trusted it would work out.
When Jim and I arrived at church Sunday morning, I noticed our Lay Pastor, who is also a Superior Court Judge. As I passed him, I thought he would be good to talk to. But he was already talking with someone, so I didn’t. Then after the service, while Jim and I were walking to our car, we came upon the Judge in the parking lot. Seeing it as my opportunity from the Lord, I stopped him and said I wanted to ask him a question, which he welcomed. I asked, “How does it work with God if I forgive someone but still want them prosecuted for their crime?” He explained that if a drunk driver almost kills you, they need to know they did something wrong, so they aren’t allowed to go out and do it again and possibly kill someone. When he asked if that helped me, I said Yes. Then I told him how interesting it was that his example was similar to my situation. Though the Judge helped me know that wanting the defendant prosecuted doesn’t nullify forgiving her, I still wasn’t sure I could look her in the eye and tell her.
Through trying to figure out if I’d genuinely forgiven her, I admitted to God and myself that I wasn’t there yet, which led to a profound moment. I thought maybe it wasn’t as easy for God as I’d always assumed. Jesus struggled with something in the Garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion. Could it have been about forgiving those who crucified him, I wondered. I had no way of knowing, but just thinking about it gave me a greater appreciation for our forgiveness from God. The good news is that Jesus followed through with the actions that proved our forgiveness. Could I confirm that I forgave her by standing up in court and telling her? I still didn’t know. Plus, there was still the question of who would run the virtual Bible study class.
While still struggling with my decisions, the Lord finally answered the big question of whether or not to go. In my heart, I heard, “If you would only go and put yourself in that environment, I will do the rest.” That I could do, and I felt relieved that was all I had to do. So, I decided to go, and the race was on to train a backup to do my job at Bible study. My teammates were now available and very willing. We all worked hard preparing them to run the class in my absence.
Although I was prepared, I didn’t read my letter in court. I sensed the Lord didn’t want me to. Before the Sentencing, the DA met with the victims’ families to review the court proceedings and procedures. He said the Judge and the defendant had been given copies of all the letters sent in and assured us the Judge had read them at least three times. He thought it would only be redundant if we read the letters to them but said we could if we wanted. I still wanted to read my letter until he said we could not address the defendant directly and had to read our letters to the Judge. Since my statement was written to the defendant, not the Judge, I felt it was my cue from the Lord not to read my letter. It was confirmed after the others argued with the DA over not addressing the defendant. They thought that’s what it was all about. The DA sternly explained that was the court’s procedure, and he didn’t want to do anything that would further delay the case in any way. None of us wanted that! He consoled them by saying they could read their letter to the Judge, that the defendant would hear it, and the Judge would understand. They were all happy to be able to read their letters, but I was still at peace with my decision not to read mine.
Tears were mixed with anger as they read their lengthy, very personal letters of how their lives, hopes, and dreams had been destroyed forever. By the end, most in the courtroom were crying, and the Judge was crying while she proclaimed the maximum sentence. The DA later told us he had never seen that judge breakdown like that. I thought that may have been God working. I also saw a sign that God may have been working in the defendant. Her attorney read a letter of apology that she had written. She took responsibility for her actions and apologized for everyone’s pain.
Court went well, and I was glad I was there to experience the closure that came with it. I didn’t think it would mean as much as it did. Though I was sad not to have my brother, not having the anger the others had, confirmed I genuinely had forgiven her. I was left bewildered at what went on at Bible study, though. When God said if I’d go, He would do the rest, I assumed it included Bible study. I’ll let you know how that all worked out next time.
To be continued . . . see Wall-View
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