My lessons on learning and growing were turned up a couple of notches when a national emergency suddenly changed everything. As the world looked to technology for ways to communicate, not only across the continents but now from across the street at a pace never seen before, my limited technical knowledge was quickly stretched way beyond my comfort zone. An intense spurt of communication with God, or a meltdown before the Lord, as I called it, quickly reminded me that there’s still no technology needed to communicate with God. When an answer I received from the Lord gave me a reason to eagerly pursue the challenge, I couldn’t resist.
When the church hosting our Bible study suddenly closed because of COVID-19, we were only a few weeks from finishing the year. Wanting to complete the few lessons left in the study, our Teaching Director asked if I’d come to her house to video her lectures and then upload them to an internet site for the class to view from their homes. Though we’d talked about adding video to our audio recordings, I hadn’t yet looked into it. But when the tech on my team said we could borrow her daughter’s video camera, I gave myself a crash course on how to use it by reading the manual, and off I was to video the teaching director. I also went to the home of the scheduled Opening Speaker and recorded what she had to share. The worship leader recorded herself singing and playing guitar with her phone and sent me the file via an internet transfer site. Transferring large files was the one thing I was already familiar with from my graphics business. I also discovered my computer had come with video editing software, and I learned how to use it by watching Youtube videos. I found out I could learn just about anything on Youtube, including how to upload videos to Youtube. I even learned how to overlay the lyrics on the song videos so the ladies could sing along at home. The Children’s ministry also started telling their Bible stories to the kids via video and sending them to me to upload with the others. As happy as we were to be able to complete our lessons for the year this way, we were all looking forward to being back together at the church in the Fall for our next study.
During the summer break, when it didn’t look like the church would be reopening in the Fall, the Teaching Director began looking to the Zoom video conferencing internet program as a way for our class to be together. I was glad to hear others in the Leaders group were counseling her because I knew nothing about Zoom. Once she decided to conduct our class on Zoom, I got a call and was asked if I’d be the Zoom tech. I thought she’d be better off with those already involved who knew Zoom, so I first said, “No.” But afterward, I felt really guilty. As happy as I was not to do it, at the same time, I felt like I was letting the Teaching Director down. And the thought of letting God down seemed too much to bear, which brought on my meltdown before the Lord. I started listing all the things throughout my journey with God that had taken me way out of my comfort zone. In a highly frustrated tone, I said, Lord, I’ve learned all that tech stuff; the soundboard, adjusting microphones for the music team, PowerPoint, and operating the screens. I learned how to teach the children Bible stories. I even took singing lessons! And now Zoom?! After getting it all out, I calmly said, “I just want to be left alone and write my book.” Then I heard His quiet voice in my heart say, “This is your book.” How could I say no to that? So, I decided I would do whatever I was asked to do if I was asked, which I was.
Before the new study year began, we were asked to think of a word we would want the other leaders to pray for us and to be prepared to say the word aloud in our first meeting. The plan was to write down the one-word prayers as we heard them and then pray throughout the year for each one to receive them. I spent the week trying to think of a word but didn’t have one until I was called upon to say my word. Then it came to me . . . Able. I told them, “I just want to be able to fulfill my ministry duties and to have the ability to do what’s needed.”
As it turned out, Zoom was easier than going to people’s houses to video them. I could record directly on Zoom, and the files were saved on my computer. Singing and playing guitar didn’t sound well on that platform, though. So the worship leader continued recording herself and sending me the video to play on Zoom. When she started missing the other two she usually sings with, we met at her house so I could video them together and then played the video on Zoom, which worked out pretty well.
There came a time when I realized how much I was responsible for and began to worry about what they would do if I couldn’t start the class for some reason. What would happen if I was to get sick or even if I had computer trouble? I started thinking I should have a backup, someone they could go to. I checked with my tech teammates and was told one was recovering from major surgery, and the other was busy with family needs. So, I went to God for help and asked, “Lord, what am I going to do about a backup?” He answered me with a simple question that had me questioning my faith. He said, “If I’m enabling you, why would you need a backup?” After that sunk in, I thought, “Yeah, why would I need a backup if God is enabling me?” So I continued doing everything I was asked to do. I started to relax and even began to get creative. I learned how to do a funny video with a countdown timer that cued the worship leader to start us off by introducing the song. Hearing the ladies’ reactions to my video countdown encouraged me to do even more.
Then one night, I had a dream that I believed was telling me things had changed and it was time to have a backup. I dreamt I was at my cousin’s house, a house I hadn’t ever been to, either in my dream or real life. It was a large house, and I had slept there overnight. When I woke up, there was no one there. I went from room to room and found myself alone in this house. When I looked at the clock, it was almost time for me to start the Virtual Bible study class. I looked around for my purse, and I couldn’t find it. I had no keys to drive home where my computer and everything were set up to start the class. I didn’t even have my phone to call and tell someone I couldn’t begin the class. It seemed so real, but when I woke up, I was relieved that it was just a dream and that I hadn’t missed Bible study.
After thinking about it, I couldn’t remember the last time I had a dream, especially one I could remember so clearly. I even told Jim about it. Could God be telling me it was time for a backup? That question was answered soon after the dream when the timing of something else I’d long awaited coincided with the last class of the year, which meant I would need a backup. I’ll tell you about that next time.
To be continued . . . see Decision-Row
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After three years of delays, including the court being closed due to Covid-19, the Trial of the drunk driver responsible for my brother’s death and two others came down to a Plea Deal. Instead of a Trial, there would now only be the Sentencing. When the Sentencing date landed on the last day of our virtual Bible study class, I struggled with deciding whether or not to go, along with a few other things. Little by little, in the weeks ahead, it all got worked out.
I could have run the virtual class from our motel room on my laptop computer if the Sentencing hadn’t been scheduled simultaneously. They were both to be on the same day and at the same time more than 500 miles apart. Once I got past my initial question of, “Couldn’t it have waited one more week after all this time?!” The big question was, “Should I go or stay?” Though it wasn’t what I wanted, it seemed apparent I should stay since there was no one to run the virtual Bible study class but me. The District Attorney said we could be there and speak, or we could send a letter that the Judge would read. It seemed sending the letter was the way to go.
When I told the Teaching Director at Bible study the Sentencing date, she said if I wanted to be there, they would be ok and even encouraged me to go to have closure. She also prayed for God to guide my path and told me to pray hard. I wasn’t so much concerned about having closure, though. I wanted to go and represent my family, hoping to impress on the court that what they do there mattered very much to us. So, I did pray hard. I also sent in my Victim’s Impact Statement for the Judge to read if I couldn’t attend.
While updating friends on how the Trial had turned into the Sentencing, one friend commented that I would finally be able to tell the defendant I forgave her. That was a scary thought for some reason. It made me wonder if I had truly forgiven her. I thought I had, but now with the fear of looking her in the eye and telling her, I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to read my Victim’s Impact Statement in court, the one the Lord had given me soon after my brother’s death back in Courage Ridge. But now, having an actual date, it had become more real. Would I have the courage to face her and the hurting families who may not understand or even think it’s right to forgive someone who recklessly killed our loved ones? I didn’t know, but I trusted it would work out.
When Jim and I arrived at church Sunday morning, I noticed our Lay Pastor, who is also a Superior Court Judge. As I passed him, I thought he would be good to talk to. But he was already talking with someone, so I didn’t. Then after the service, while Jim and I were walking to our car, we came upon the Judge in the parking lot. Seeing it as my opportunity from the Lord, I stopped him and said I wanted to ask him a question, which he welcomed. I asked, “How does it work with God if I forgive someone but still want them prosecuted for their crime?” He explained that if a drunk driver almost kills you, they need to know they did something wrong, so they aren’t allowed to go out and do it again and possibly kill someone. When he asked if that helped me, I said Yes. Then I told him how interesting it was that his example was similar to my situation. Though the Judge helped me know that wanting the defendant prosecuted doesn’t nullify forgiving her, I still wasn’t sure I could look her in the eye and tell her.
Through trying to figure out if I’d genuinely forgiven her, I admitted to God and myself that I wasn’t there yet, which led to a profound moment. I thought maybe it wasn’t as easy for God as I’d always assumed. Jesus struggled with something in the Garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion. Could it have been about forgiving those who crucified him, I wondered. I had no way of knowing, but just thinking about it gave me a greater appreciation for our forgiveness from God. The good news is that Jesus followed through with the actions that proved our forgiveness. Could I confirm that I forgave her by standing up in court and telling her? I still didn’t know. Plus, there was still the question of who would run the virtual Bible study class.
While still struggling with my decisions, the Lord finally answered the big question of whether or not to go. In my heart, I heard, “If you would only go and put yourself in that environment, I will do the rest.” That I could do, and I felt relieved that was all I had to do. So, I decided to go, and the race was on to train a backup to do my job at Bible study. My teammates were now available and very willing. We all worked hard preparing them to run the class in my absence.
Although I was prepared, I didn’t read my letter in court. I sensed the Lord didn’t want me to. Before the Sentencing, the DA met with the victims’ families to review the court proceedings and procedures. He said the Judge and the defendant had been given copies of all the letters sent in and assured us the Judge had read them at least three times. He thought it would only be redundant if we read the letters to them but said we could if we wanted. I still wanted to read my letter until he said we could not address the defendant directly and had to read our letters to the Judge. Since my statement was written to the defendant, not the Judge, I felt it was my cue from the Lord not to read my letter. It was confirmed after the others argued with the DA over not addressing the defendant. They thought that’s what it was all about. The DA sternly explained that was the court’s procedure, and he didn’t want to do anything that would further delay the case in any way. None of us wanted that! He consoled them by saying they could read their letter to the Judge, that the defendant would hear it, and the Judge would understand. They were all happy to be able to read their letters, but I was still at peace with my decision not to read mine.
Tears were mixed with anger as they read their lengthy, very personal letters of how their lives, hopes, and dreams had been destroyed forever. By the end, most in the courtroom were crying, and the Judge was crying while she proclaimed the maximum sentence. The DA later told us he had never seen that judge breakdown like that. I thought that may have been God working. I also saw a sign that God may have been working in the defendant. Her attorney read a letter of apology that she had written. She took responsibility for her actions and apologized for everyone’s pain.
Court went well, and I was glad I was there to experience the closure that came with it. I didn’t think it would mean as much as it did. Though I was sad not to have my brother, not having the anger the others had, confirmed I genuinely had forgiven her. I was left bewildered at what went on at Bible study, though. When God said if I’d go, He would do the rest, I assumed it included Bible study. I’ll let you know how that all worked out next time.
To be continued . . . see Wall-View
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I couldn’t believe my eyes while watching the virtual Bible study class recording and saw that the music video wouldn’t play. Debra, the worship leader, ended up singing the song live a cappella! It was beautiful but wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I didn’t want to think the Lord had let me down, although it looked that way until He showed me a different way to look at it. I was also given another way of looking at myself.
My tech team did so well during our practice sessions that I was confident they would do well running the virtual class while I was away at the Sentencing of the drunk driver who killed my brother. When I asked them why the music video didn’t play, they didn’t know, only that they both had the same technical issue. Whatever it was corrected itself about two-thirds of the way through Debra’s song when the video abruptly started. The weird thing is that the video with the three singing took over at the same place Debra was singing. It was so incredible! When I asked my tech team how they managed that, they said, “It just happened!” I couldn’t help wondering what the odds of that would be. It had to be God, I thought. But if God was there, why didn’t He step in sooner? Why didn’t He see that the video played as it should have? I didn’t get it. Did I not hear Him correctly while deciding to go to the Sentencing that, if I’d go, He would do the rest? The answers to those questions came almost a year later.
In the meantime, I tried not to let what happened affect my trust in God, but I figured it had when I had trouble singing a particular song at church. During the part of the song, “You’re never gonna, never gonna, never gonna let me down,” I would either start crying or stop singing. I didn’t want to, but it was evident that I was holding what happened with the video against the Lord. So I told the Lord, “I don’t think you let me down; it only looks that way for some reason.” I was shown a different way of looking at it the following year at Bible study when we were again meeting in person.
The discussion in my study group was so interesting that I lost track of time and had to hurry back to the sound booth to start the worship team. On the way, I worried that Debra and her team would start without me. But when I arrived, it was just Debra; the others weren’t back from their groups yet. Relieved, I confessed to Debra that I was afraid they would start without me. She looked at me and said, “And we would.” I thought it was so funny! I laughed, thinking, how could they start without me? They needed me to turn on the mics and give the signal. After I’d laughed and shared the story with others, including the Teaching Director, I started thinking more about it. I thought about how amazing Debra is; she knows her purpose and will do it no matter what. I thought about how I knew she’d start without me because she’d done it before–when the videos wouldn’t play while I was at the Sentencing.
As I remembered and prayerfully thought about what had happened, I suddenly saw that God hadn’t let me down. He just had a different plan. When the video wouldn’t play, and Debra had to sing, I saw it as a failure. When the video started playing in the same spot where Debra was, I thought it was no coincidence. It was God showing me He was there. Back then, I couldn’t understand why God didn’t do something. Now I see that He did! He had Debra sing! He knew she would, and He had her ready! It was so amazing that I shared with our Teaching Director how God had used the funny story about Debra starting without me to help me understand and heal what happened while I was at the Sentencing. When I told her I didn’t know why it had taken almost a year, she said it probably took me that long to be ready to receive it. I knew I finally had when the following Sunday at church, I had no problem singing, “You’re never gonna let me down!” Later on, the Lord showed me another way to view something else that took me a long time to receive.
Jim and I had hired a contractor to extend the top of the block wall in our backyard to keep our dog from jumping to see the neighbor’s dog. We hoped they wouldn’t bark as much if they couldn’t see each other. After Roger had a few blocks on the wall, he asked me to come take a look. The grout lines seemed rough and uneven, and I told him I thought it would look more like he said when we hired him. He said it would, but I wasn’t so sure at that point. Our conversation got a little heated, so I decided it was a good time to go for my walk.
While on my walk, I was talking it over with the Lord. I said, “Lord, it’s like Roger doesn’t see what I see. It looks messy, but he keeps saying how clean it is. It’s like we are seeing two different things.” Then the Lord said, “You are.” “What? How can that be?” I said. Then He explained that Roger knows his work and sees how it will look when it’s finished. Like how I see you, He said. I see you as my finished work, but you see yourself as a work in progress. Suddenly, I understood, and it all made sense how Roger and I saw two different walls! Roger saw it finished, nice and clean, but I was seeing it in progress. My chat with the Lord helped me trust Roger’s work, and I knew it would all turn out well. It also told me I needed to start seeing myself as God sees me–as His finished work.
After working it all out in my mind, I felt terrible that I’d given Roger a hard time. He wanted to smooth things out between us when I returned from my walk, so without thinking, I quickly said, “That’s okay. The Lord spoke to me, and I know it will turn out well.” After saying it, I was afraid Roger might think I was crazy, but I was so surprised when he excitedly said, “Really? What did He say?” So I told him the whole story. He was grateful that I told him and believed it was a word from the Lord, which confirmed it for me, too. The wall did turn out well, and though it hasn’t stopped the dogs from barking at each other, it’s been a constant reminder that God sees me as His finished work.
My journey to The Greater Life has turned out differently than I initially thought. I thought it would be about doing miracles like Jesus did and even greater, like He told the disciples they would do. Instead, it’s mainly been about changing my view of myself to match how God sees me. After thinking more about what God said to me about being His finished work, I realized having the Holy Spirit, the Greater One, in me, enabling me to do great things, is His finished work. I don’t know why it took so long, but I now see that’s The Greater Life! Thank you, Lord; I’m excited to see what we will do!
To be continued . . .
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