I’d been learning about God’s Finished Rest, a place where everything needed has already been provided. I’d heard it’s not an easy place to get to but it’s where you want to be for the best life possible, or for the greater life which is what I was hoping to find. My experiences in Restville confirmed much of what I had heard.
Getting ready to go on vacation has always been stressful for some reason. This time was even more so because I needed to see that my mother would be taken care of while we were away. Though she’d become quite dependent on me for her survival, she was still living in her home as she had always wanted. As Dementia slowly rendered her unable to remember how to do things she’d done all her life, I began doing them for her. Two or three times a week I’d go over to do chores around the house, drive her where she needed to go, and prepare her meals. I’d put meals on plates in the refrigerator ready to warm up in the microwave, which she was able to do. Other days I’d call to check on how she was doing.
When the time came for me and Jim to plan our annual vacation I struggled with whether or not to go. It wouldn’t be a problem to call my mom every day while we were away but who would prepare the meals and do what she needed around the house for seven days? The more I stressed over the decision the more I felt the Lord encouraging me to leave it all up to Him. But how? It felt so irresponsible to go off and leave my mother with no one but God to take care of her. Finally, in frustration, I told God, “I can’t just go off and leave my mother to starve!” That’s when I felt the Lord say something that spoke volumes of where my faith was at the time. “Do you really think I’d let your mother starve?” He said. It left me stunned, not knowing what to say. This is the same God that dropped Manna from heaven and quail from the sky to feed the Israelites in the desert. Even though I knew the amazing things God did in the Bible, it was still hard for me to imagine how He’d physically take care of my mother’s needs in this day and age. Although I couldn’t understand how it would actually happen, I decided to trust God and see how He’d work it all out.
The next time I was at my mother’s house her neighbor dropped in for a visit. When I mentioned our plans for a vacation she insisted I allow her to check on my mom while we were away. One of my friend’s insisted the same thing. I also received information for a caregiver service that had a one-hour minimum. Other times when I’d checked into in-home care services they all seemed to have a four-hour minimum which my mother wasn’t comfortable with. She did agree to a two-hour stay which I thought would work out great for the meals and chores. Before I knew it all the help my mother would need was lined up and Jim and I were able to get away, rest, and have some fun without worrying about my mom.
When we returned from Restville I was reminded of another commitment God had been encouraging me toward starting way back in Commitmentville. We’d been attending our church for fourteen years and hadn’t officially joined. Though we were active in the church, learning, growing and serving, I never could see any added benefit of being a member over what we already had. When I questioned the Lord He said it was the difference between living together and being married. From that, I understood that commitment helps you stay through the tough times.
Our church had gone through some tough times, as many had during the recession. The staff had been reduced to the bare minimum and many in the congregation had left because of it. And after the senior pastor was asked to leave many others left hurt and angry. It was hard to see the church where I’d come to know God being dismantled and to see my friends leaving. Despite all the sadness and uncertainty, there was something I’d heard in one of the meetings that had me excited and wanting to stay. It was the reason the elder board gave for letting the pastor go. They said they didn’t want to, that it was really hard, but they couldn’t go against what they knew was the Holy Spirit leading them to do. That’s when I got excited. I thought if God is the one making the changes in our church then something really good was coming!
The search for a new lead pastor had come to the point in the process for the congregation to meet the final candidate. No one said anything about having to be a member to attend the meetings so Jim and I did. And that’s when my lessons from commitmentville came into play. At the time the candidate was pastoring a church in another state so we met him electronically via FaceTime on the big screens. To let us know how serious he was about leaving his church, friends, and even some family behind, he told us he was “all in” if we decided we wanted him as our pastor. That got me thinking, and on the way home I said to Jim, “That pastor isn’t even here yet and he says he’s all in. We’ve been here fourteen years, can we say we are “all in?” After talking about it, we decided to go ahead and take the required steps to become members of our church. We had received the paperwork but decided to put it off until after we got back from vacation.
After vacation, I began to have the same doubts I’d had all along. “What difference would it make to join?” again I wondered. And again strong encouragement came from God. Sunday at church the pastor delivering the announcements said, “I don’t know why I feel I should say this, but I need to say ‘I’m all in’ for someone.” As soon as he said it I knew it was for me. God was telling me to follow through with our church membership. So we did.
Just as I’d heard, God’s rest was a struggle to get to. But I learned that when I commit to stop trying to figure everything out, it allows God’s wisdom and power to work in my life. And that’s when everything I need just shows up instead of me having to hunt it all down. As simple as it may have seemed at the time Restville turned out to be the beginning of a new leg of my journey that would teach me more about God’s finished rest, what makes it possible, and what keeps me from getting there.
To be continued . . . see Graceville
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I was wanting to see more of God’s provision in my life, yet it still seemed so unreal not having to do anything, other than to rest. As the lessons from Restville continued, I would learn more about what has made divine provision a reality and what keeps me from receiving it. God has a way of explaining things through circumstances in my life that I can’t seem to get from only studying the Bible. When lessons started indicating it was time to leave the law behind in order for me to receive all that’s been provided, God literally laid it all out on the table where it suddenly became clear.
Lessons on the difference between God’s law and grace that first began back in Zacchaeusville now seemed to be showing up everywhere. And again I was being encouraged to leave the law behind and to continue on under grace. But how do I live without the law? And why would I want to? I didn’t understand. The journey to understanding began with a question in my Bible study lesson. It was a personal question that asked if there was a sin I needed to confess. Nothing immediately came to mind, but after some thought, I did think of something I wasn’t being completely honest about. Although I’d committed to taking care of my mother, secretly I didn’t want to.
As good as it felt to finally admit it, I didn’t expect anything more. But the next morning I woke up with a verse of scripture on my mind–”My grace is sufficient for you”–and just knew it was God’s answer to what I had confessed. Not only was I inspired by getting the same answer the apostle Paul was given, I also took it as confirmation that God wanted me to care for my mother rather than any of the other more popular alternatives. It should have been enough to overcome any obstacle but by the next week, as I was running out of easy meal ideas to leave my mom, I found myself asking, “Lord, where is this grace, and how does it work exactly?” And so my lessons on grace began.
While trying the best I could to care for my mother, each week I was learning that nothing is too hard for the Lord. I also learned that everything I need for life and godliness has been supplied through the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. More than forgiveness and the way to heaven, I learned it was actually an elaborate plan to give back to man, through Jesus’s obedience, everything that was lost in the Garden of Eden. Yet, with all I’d learned about grace, I still didn’t understand why I needed to leave the law behind.
All the lessons seemed to come together at the Bible study potluck brunch. I had been absent when the food sign up sheet went around and by the time I returned all the spots had been filled. My leader told me to just come and enjoy. I decided I would since, by grace, everything had already been provided but as the time grew near I started to feel like I didn’t deserve to enjoy the brunch unless I brought something. That’s when I saw so clearly that I was judging myself by what I do, instead of what Jesus did for me, and how it can keep me from receiving God’s blessings in my life.
Realizing that I was allowing or rejecting blessings into my life by what I felt I deserved made me wonder what other provisions I had been denying myself. How many other times had I said “no” to a blessing because I felt I hadn’t earned it? That’s when I finally saw how continuing under the old testament law, where forgiveness and blessings were earned by keeping the law, was making it harder to accept what Jesus did for me. I finally understood that trying to earn what Jesus has done for me only keeps me struggling in my own limited abilities when my life could be so much more with God’s grace at work instead. I don’t want to miss out on anything God has for me so I’ve decided to stop judging myself by the law, and just accept God’s wonderful gift . . . and enjoy.
I finally accepted that my mother could no longer stay by herself when I checked on her and saw that she hadn’t eaten anything I’d left for her two days earlier. That’s when I packed some of her things and took her home with me. Life got a lot harder with my mom living with us, yet I found myself doing things I had never been able to do before all the lessons on grace. Once I started trusting God with my mom and believing His grace was sufficient for whatever my needs were, I began to see how much more got done in my day, and how much more easily. The times when life got hard, I took as a signal that I was trying to do things in my own strength instead of relying on God’s grace. I don’t know how God does some of the things, and sometimes it still seems too good to be true, but now I know it is true. Not because I’m good, but because God is good, and He loves me.
Experiencing a deeper understanding of grace, that so unexpectedly came from a moment of honesty with God, had me wanting more. Since everything I need is there, I decided to stay in Graceville to see what else God would show me about His incredible gift and how it works in my life. And it wasn’t long before He went to work showing me a new way of looking at . . . myself.
To be continued . . . see Image Avenue
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For as long as I can remember, talking to oneself has been widely accepted. Talking to an Orange, however, would still be considered strange, to say the least. Though it was probably my own thoughts projected onto the Orange, it turned out to be one of three conversations that would profoundly change the way I see myself.
Every morning my mother wanted a boiled egg, toast, and an orange for breakfast. One time while slicing the orange it seemed to talk to me. It said it was the same as it was created, that it was created to be an orange and was happy to be the way it was. As weird as it was that an orange would be talking, it seemed even weirder to be interested in what it was saying, but I was. It went on to tell me it has accepted that it’s an orange, it’s different than other fruit, and in some ways different from other oranges. It’s a Valencia orange, many specifically choose a Valencia orange and that makes it happy. It doesn’t try to be something different, it’s happy just being what it is.
As I listened I couldn’t help wondering if I knew myself as well as the orange did. I’ve always tried to change myself, thinking if I was better, I’d have a better life. I tried different things hoping to find the one thing I was good at. When I wasn’t able to find that one thing, I tried changing myself into what I thought I needed to be in order to be what I was meant to be. The orange helped me to realize I wasn’t accepting myself the way I was created. I had been so busy trying to be something I thought I should be, I’d been missing out on being who I was. I began to see that instead of looking for what needs to change, I should instead look for what makes me, me. And so my journey through Graceville continued on Image Avenue.
Although I may not have known who I was, I knew what I didn’t want to be. Even though I’d committed to taking care of my mother, trusting it was what God had for me to do at that time, I started to feel as if I was losing myself. The happier my mother was to be taken care of, the harder it was not to think I was giving up my life just so she could sit and watch television. I had thought all the studying, learning, growing and following God would eventually lead me to do something great. And endless cooking, cleaning, and laundry were not what I had in mind.
One morning while putting on my makeup and talking to myself in the mirror, I told myself, “You have become something you never wanted to be–a housewife! And sometimes you feel like a slave.” Trying to bring myself up, I thought about how the leaders at Bible study are thought of as servants. And so I said, “You’re not a slave, you’re a servant of God!” That made me feel better until later when I turned on the TV and heard something I felt was God correcting me. What I heard was, “You’re not a servant of God. You’re a son.” Bursting into tears, I thought “Wow, that’s God’s grace bringing me up so much farther than I could have ever thought!”
The third conversation came while talking to God after a class I’d taken at church on worship. I had been motivated to learn more about worship while reading about the miracle release of the apostle Paul from prison while he was praising and worshiping God. It made me wonder just how a person gets to a place where they can sing and praise God in the midst of nasty and unfair circumstances. Each time I’d given it a try, it wasn’t long before I found myself complaining and questioning God for the tough times. This time though, I saw a connection between Paul worshiping and the miracles that followed.
For some reason, I’d always thought the only way to worship God was by singing, which I didn’t do very well. During the class at church, I learned there were other forms of worship. As an illustration of different ways to worship God, the pastor told a fishing story about how adding a weight onto the lure helps it get to where the fish are. The story helped me better understand the purpose of worship, but a question had come to my mind about the weight. I asked, “Am I suppose to put the weight on the line, or is that something I allow God to do?” The pastor answered my question simply by saying, “It’s according to your relationship with God.”
Later that day, the story and my question kept circling through my mind. I thought about all the times, as a young girl, I’d gone fishing with my father. Not only had I fished for trout in a stream, like the Pastor talked about, I’d also lake fished for bass, and even deep sea fished for albacore. Although I knew different tackle was required to fish in a stream than in the ocean, I wasn’t sure what was needed where. When I heard myself say, “My father knew and he always prepared my line for me.” I knew it was my answer. God knows what’s needed, so I’ll allow Him to put the weight on! And so I asked, “Lord, how can I worship You?” The answer I received was profound, definitely not something I would have thought. What the Lord said to me was, “You can worship Me by thinking of yourself as I created you–in My Image.”
The Bible states that God made man in His image, but I hadn’t taken it seriously. Mainly because God is God and I didn’t think I was anything like Him. After hearing it directly from God, it suddenly became very serious. The Proverb “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” came to my mind as the way of getting there. Instead of striving to be like Him, as I had been doing, I needed to think of myself as already made in God’s image.
Details and aspects of God that were similar to mine began showing up in Bible study, church sermons, and even through friends complimenting my character. I was surprised how many references to physical attributes of God I began to notice in the Bible. I also learned that God has thoughts and emotions. And along with powerful spiritual qualities given at my rebirth in Christ, they all pointed out to me ways I was already like Him. It left me feeling closer to God and wanting to learn even more about the Likeness in which I’d been created. I specifically wanted to focus on Jesus, as the perfect Image of God, to know more about what I’m capable of doing.
Until the realizations on Image Avenue, I’d been striving to be like Jesus, yet believing I couldn’t actually be like Him this side of heaven. Being told by God to think of myself as He created me, not only flushed out doubts I didn’t know I had, it also told me that God cares how I think about myself. Thinking of myself as a daughter of God, created in His image, made a dramatic difference in how I was able to care for my mother. And to think God considers it worship when I do–that’s amazing!
To be continued . . . see Candy Lane
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While the powerful lessons from Image Avenue continued to sink in and caring for my mother grew more challenging, I explored a little farther into Graceville hoping to find a fun escape. Over on Candy Lane, I discovered a computer game I liked to play and escaped there often. After noticing a spiritual principle while playing the game, it became even more interesting when it began to play out in my life. Unexpected twists and turns led me to a place I’d at other times elected to pass up and would have this time if not for the compelling purpose I was given for the hard lesson I was led there to learn.
Whenever I had a few extra minutes, I enjoyed playing Candy Crush Saga on my computer. The game was challenging and at times frustrating as I tried different strategies to get to the next level. Even with great strategies most games ended in frustration without entry to the next level. Then while playing one particular game level, I noticed that while I concentrated on the moves I could make at the bottom, explosions and bombs were going off at the top that I had no thought or involvement in. Suddenly I’d be at the next level with moves to spare saying, “Wow! How did that happen?!” Stunned at how easily it all happened is when it occurred to me–that’s how it’s suppose to work with God. When I do what I can do at the bottom, God does His thing at the top and amazing things happen effortlessly without stress or frustration. As amazing as it was that a spiritual lesson would show up in a computer game, the lesson continued into my real life.
Though it had been long planned that a friend from Bible Study would pick me up and we’d ride together to the Children’s Teachers Christmas brunch and gift exchange, in my mind it was on Saturday, not Friday. Normally I wouldn’t have answered the door in my nightgown, but that morning for some reason I thought it may have been my next door neighbor needing something. As I stood with my hair uncombed, wearing a sweatshirt over my flannel nightgown and fuzzy slippers, my friend was smiling and asking if I was ready. It was so embarrassing! Wanting the whole thing to just go away, I told her to go on to the party and I’d meet her there, but she insisted on waiting while I got dressed. My gift was wrapped and ready, but the dish I planned to take to the brunch was not yet prepared. “There’s always plenty of food,” she answered. Unable to talk her out of it, I invited her in and introduced her to my mother who was sitting at the dining room table eating her breakfast. While they chatted, I quickly went to get dressed.
To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have gone to the brunch if my friend hadn’t insisted on waiting. Showing up late without any food would have added to the embarrassment I was already feeling. As it turned out, I was glad I had swallowed my pride and went. Not only did I have a good time, something happened that would make time for myself more possible. During dessert, the woman who takes care of the babies at Bible study came up to me and said, “If you ever want some time away from your mom, I’d be happy to stay with her.” I was so surprised that an offer like that would come so unexpectedly. This was a woman I knew I could trust with my mom. A kind, loving woman, I felt confident my mom would like. And to think if I hadn’t gone to the brunch I would have missed out on such an amazing offer. I couldn’t help but think it was the Candy Crush lesson showing up in my real life, but there was more to learn.
Things got even harder after coming home from my morning walk and finding my mother on the floor screaming in pain with a fractured hip. After a few days in the hospital and three weeks in a physical rehabilitation facility, she returned home needing help with things I really didn’t like having to do. And the things I liked doing were even more difficult to fit in. That’s when I began to suspect the lesson in caring for my mom was on humility. I was being humbled. I admitted to myself and to God that I didn’t like doing some of the things I was having to do for my mother. And although I was trusting God and believing fun jobs were still to come, it was hard. At times I wanted to quit but continued on believing it was what God wanted me to do at that time, even though everything in me wanted to fight against it.
Then one morning in the shower, while talking to God about my mom, I was given a purpose for the hard lesson on humility. Complaining, I said to the Lord, “She relies on me for just about everything, even things she can do for herself. It’s like I’m her god.” When I felt the Lord say, “You are,” I said “But I’m not a good God like You are. I don’t love unconditionally like You do.” “Exactly,” said the Lord. It made me sad to think how much she’s missing by denying God. Knowing God loves me has helped me so much, and now I’m starting to feel his power in my life. So I asked, “Lord, how can I help my mom know You?” That’s when He said something that really got to me. “Through you,” He said.
Candy Lane turned out to be quite different than the fun escape I was expecting. Realizing the things I was strategizing to do, weren’t nearly as important as the things I fought hard not to do, caused a humbling effect on me. Finding out that my mother was experiencing God’s love through what I was doing for her had brought me to a new level in my journey. The lessons on humility, put on such a personal level, helped me to better understand it’s purpose. It’s not about thinking less of myself and more of someone else like I once thought. It’s about admitting that I don’t know everything that God knows that allows God to do what I’m unable to do. And what God wants is for everyone to know how much He loves them. It may have taken me a long time to get there but humility turned out not to be as bad as I once thought. If by humbling myself God can multiply my efforts and from it, amazing things happen that I have no thought or involvement in–that’s fun!
To be continued . . . see Drum Street
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The humility lessons on Candy Lane had brought me to a new level of faith. Somehow I knew there was still a ways to go before I’d see the “greater works” that Jesus talked about. How much farther, I wasn’t sure. While continuing through Graceville events that seemed unrelated at the time came together on Drum Street to show me a picture of where I was headed.
I was hoping to finish out my second year as children’s Bible teacher, but with caring for my mom taking so much of my time, I’d decided it would be my last year. Planning and acting out Bible stories for the children each week had been an amazing experience. I had followed God into what was unknown territory for me, and my faith had grown dramatically. My mom learned about God too, from watching me practice my storytelling and by helping me prepare the crafts. As the end of the year grew closer, I began to cherish the moments that were left. Then one morning God assured me that my journey with Him would continue by reminding me that lessons can pop up anywhere.
It happened in the elevator on the way to my classroom. A woman who worked in the office of the church where the Bible study was held had gotten into the elevator with me. As I stood with my cart piled high with all the supplies I needed to teach the children’s lesson for the morning the woman said, “That’s a lot of coffee.” Quickly my mind searched for what she could be referring to, and still, I had no idea. Finally, I said, “What?” She then pointed to the giant clear bag of coffee containers at the very top of my cart. “Oh, that’s not coffee,” I told her, “Those are drums for the children to play, I’d forgotten they were coffee cans.” That’s when I felt the Lord say something to me. What He said was, “That’s total belief, when you don’t remember what you used to be and only see what you are now.” Wow! Immediately I knew it was something significant, but then the elevator doors opened, and I went on to my class. Later, it was written in my journal and filed away in my mind with everything else I’d learned.
Giving up the children’s ministry also meant having to leave the leaders study group. Although I planned to return to the regular group study the following year, I would miss being part of the leader’s group where I’d learned so much being among believers mature in their faith. A surprise was coming for me, though, that would more than makeup for what I would miss.
I got a call from the teaching director that originally called me to be a Bible study children’s teacher. She had recovered from the life-threatening illness that had kept her from returning to Bible Study and was working on creating a leadership manual for an upcoming class at her church. She asked if I would help her with the graphics for the manual. I was thrilled! Before she had become sick, we had planned to work together to add graphics to her Bible study lectures. I was disappointed, and at times felt cheated out of something, when she wasn’t able to return. And so, I was excited to have another chance to work with her.
We started by meeting for breakfast to discuss her vision for the manual, which became weekly as the manual progressed. Discussions over the manual turned into lengthy personal conversations about God and what He was doing in our lives. Our conversations were so inspiring we didn’t want them to end and would spend two to three hours talking. When the manual was finished, and I was able to attend her class, it was like being back in Bible study with her again, only better. Our breakfast meetings continued monthly and turned into a treasured friendship. Each meeting was a bonus blessing as I listened and learned from her long life as a Christian and Bible teacher. And it’s amazing to me that she says she learns from me too when I share what God has been teaching me. Her special friendship and the encouragement she’s given me for my book and blogs has meant so much more to me than whatever I thought I had missed out on at Bible study. Thank You, Lord!
When I wouldn’t accept any payment for the work I’d done on the manual, she surprised me with a gift card to a local restaurant. I didn’t know how to refuse such a gesture so I politely accepted not knowing how much of a blessing it would soon become. A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving I fainted at the gym and broke my right arm. In some ways, things got harder afterward and in other ways–more interesting. My mother stepped up and started helping me. She tied my shoes, like when I was little. She helped me cut up vegetables for dinner and with other things I had trouble doing with only one arm. When it came time for Thanksgiving, it turned out that the gift card my friend had given me was enough for a delicious “heat and eat” Thanksgiving dinner for our family.
Though I was grateful my arm healed without surgery and with minimal physical therapy, I was left with questions. When I first started to feel faint, I prayed for strength. So, why did I still faint? An answer came while watching a TV sermon on believing God’s word over even your own body. It seemed pretty radical at first, but the more I thought about it, the more fascinated I became with the idea. Was that my answer? Did I follow my body instead of waiting for God’s strength? Was I led by my pride to try and make it to the bathroom when I began to feel nauseous? I hadn’t made it very far when I looked up and saw a crowd of people around me, all very relieved to see me waking up. It took some convincing, but I agreed to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Tests showed no explanation for fainting other than I shouldn’t have tried to get my work out in before lunch. I learned not to do that again, and my other questions were put away in the back of my mind.
The picture of total belief I’d seen on Drum Street seemed only to show me that I wasn’t there yet. How could I be with so many questions and doubts? The difference was that now stored away in my memory among all the questions, was that picture of perfect faith I had been given. It was that picture that would soon bring to my mind one question that would flush out all of my other questions, and send me on a year-long journey in search of an answer that would put my doubts about God to rest. I’ll tell you about that next time.
To be continued . . . see Tree Circle
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So, what was the question that sent me on a year-long journey in search of the answer? It came at church while listening to a sermon on the Garden of Eden. Thinking I’d heard it all before is when the question suddenly popped into my mind, and the curiosity led pursuit was on!
The question that came to my mind that Sunday morning was: What if God did not create the tree of knowledge of good and evil? “What? That’s absurd!” was my first reaction. “Of course, God created it; He created everything.” But before I could even finish that thought, my mind went to the parable Jesus told about the wheat and tares. On the way home from church, my mind raced back and forth thinking it couldn’t be true–but what if it is? I’d heard various explanations as to why God planted the tree but had never heard anyone question “if” He planted it.
When I got home, I immediately went to my Bible. In the second chapter of Genesis, I read that God made every tree grow that was … good for food. Then in verse seventeen, God told Adam if he ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil he would surely die. So I determined, that tree couldn’t be good for food. Could that mean God didn’t plant it, and it somehow came later? But how? Then I found the parable of the wheat and tares in Matthew’s gospel which seemed to be the answer–the enemy planted it during the night. Still, it all just seemed too crazy. That’s when I decided to email my pastor with the whole thing and let him straighten it all out for me.
My pastor thought they were all good questions and was glad to hear I was wrestling with the text. He also said he’d not heard anything other than that God had created everything in the Garden, nor anyone connecting the parable of the wheat and tares to creation. Still, I couldn’t let it go. I had to find out why that question had come to me.
I couldn’t help wondering why God would plant a poisonous tree in His perfect peaceful garden. Was it to test Adam and Eve’s obedience as I’d heard Christians say? I’ve never liked the thought of God putting His children in harm’s way just to see if they would obey Him. It didn’t sound like the loving, caring, encouraging God I had come to know thus far on my journey. The idea that the serpent planted the tree and then deceived Eve into eating the fruit made more sense. But how? Perhaps the serpent crossed what was already there like scientists do today? Then when God noticed the hybrid in His garden, He was warning Adam, not testing his obedience? But why didn’t God just remove the tree? Jesus demonstrated how easy it would have been when He said to the fig tree “no one eat of you ever again” and by the next day, it was dried up from the roots. The answer Jesus gave the disciples in the parable was to let the tares grow with the wheat until harvest when they would be separated. But, both my pastor and my Bible teacher friend told me that in the parable Jesus was referring to people, not plants, which brought me back to the dreaded idea of it being a test.
As I continued to wrestle with the questions, it was all I could talk about, and it drove my friends crazy. Exploring all the scenarios was interesting at first, but when no real answers came, it just got frustrating. When I thought I’d exhausted even my Bible teacher friend, she came through with the answer that I was finally able to accept. She thought it through, studied it out, and concluded it all came down to choice. “It wasn’t about the tree,” she said, “that tree could have been like all the other trees in the garden. It was what God said about that tree that made it different.” Adam and Eve had a choice to believe what God said about it or what the serpent said about it. That was the answer that rang true for me! It’s a choice! God created man with his own “will” and is free to choose to do what God says or to go his own way. Once that became clear in my mind I began to see other things I’d read in the Bible differently.
Eve obviously believed the serpent who told her she would not surely die. I also saw the reason she chose to believe the serpent–he made her think the fruit would make her wise. Sadly, she hadn’t realized that God had already given her wisdom regarding the tree when He said they would die if they ate of it. That’s when I saw so clearly that wisdom comes from God, not creation. I also noticed something I hadn’t before. In front of the verses that tell of them eating the fruit, there’s the verse that says: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, they shall become one flesh.” Adam was commanded to stay with his wife! So after Eve ate the fruit and then handed it to Adam, what was he to do? If he believed God about the tree, he had to have thought Eve was going to die. Would he refuse the fruit and live, or would he eat the fruit and die to be with his wife? That’s a tough choice!
Though there’s no way to prove my scenario of Adam’s reason for eating from the tree, how beautiful to think he chose to die to be with his wife. It completely changed how I felt about him and revealed feelings of blame and resentment I didn’t know I held toward him. After being able to forgive Adam and Eve for bringing evil into the world, I realized it was already there before they ate from the tree in the form of a serpent speaking contrary to God. I also realized that I have the same choice Adam and Eve had–to believe God or to believe someone else.
All the questions that had me running in circles for so long eventually revealed doubts that kept me from fully trusting God. I came to suspect the real reason I’d come to Tree Circle was to resolve in my heart that it was not a test of obedience but instead a choice. Realizing that I have the same choice today–to believe God or to believe someone else–put the responsibility on me. No longer could I blame Adam and Eve or even God for what goes wrong in my life. It’s all made me more determined than ever to believe what God says, just because He said it. It’s also made me want to read my Bible more!
While sorting out what was true, what wasn’t, and what may have been a new revelation, my eyes opened to an entire section of the Bible that I wasn’t quite sure I believed. I’ll tell you about that next time.
To be continued . . . see Paul Boulevard
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A better understanding of where Adam and Eve went wrong had me not wanting to make the same mistake they did and more determined than ever to believe God’s Word over anyone or anything. The problem was that there was an entire section of the Bible I was afraid to accept. With lessons from Tree Circle still fresh in my mind, I came to Paul Boulevard where I discovered a profound way of sorting out what I believed.
Seeing so clearly that Adam and Eve’s actions revealed who they believed made me take a closer look at my own beliefs. I believed God–because He’s God. I also believed Jesus–so much that I’d tried to do what He said as hard as it was sometimes. But the apostle Paul–not so much just because he wasn’t God. It’s embarrassing now to admit, but there was a time I wondered if he could be the big deceiver the Bible talks about who in the end times will deceive even the elect. It sounds crazy, but since Paul wrote most of the New Testament, I couldn’t think of anyone alive at that time in a better position to also deceive the elect in the end times. For whatever reason, I thought it was just safer to stick with what Jesus taught and stay away from what Paul had to say. When announced at Bible Study that our next study would be on Paul’s epistles, I was less than thrilled. But the Lord had been showing me that unless I believe what I’m learning it’s not going to change my life. So, I agreed to go to Paul Boulevard where about halfway through the study I saw a compelling reason to believe Paul’s teaching too.
Week by week as the study of Paul’s letters progressed something began to stand out to me–Paul’s suffering. Paul kept saying the same stuff over and over. And over and over he was beaten and thrown in prison. Still, he didn’t stop. He just kept saying the same things. That’s when my experience on Tree Circle came back around, and I began to relate to Paul in a way I could believe him.
When the question: “What if God did not create the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?” first popped into my mind, I thought it was a new revelation from God. It had come much like other things God had spoken to me–as a thought in my mind. I felt I’d come to the point where I was able to distinguish my own ordinary thoughts from the ones through which God spoke to me. And the question about the tree was no ordinary thought! It was one I wouldn’t have thought in a million years!
Learning that most of what Paul was so desperate to share was given to him by revelation, caught my attention. I found myself relating to how he must have felt when those he was so eager to share the message with didn’t believe him. Those who I had told about the tree hadn’t believed me either. I understood how hard it must have been for the people in Paul’s day to accept information so contrary to what they were taught all their lives. I also saw the gravity of their choice to continue to believe keeping the law would save them, or believe what Paul was saying–that a connection to God the Father comes through faith in Jesus Christ. The only thing I had trouble relating to was the abuse Paul was so willing to endure to continue sharing his message. It made me ask myself, “How much would I be willing to suffer to tell the world that God did not create the tree that caused the fall of mankind?”
Paul’s revelations were confirmed in scripture by old testament prophets. The only thing I had to go on was a parable Jesus told about wheat and tares. Some strange looks I’d gotten can no way compare with reactions Paul received, but it showed me just how much Paul must have believed the words he was saying for him to continue sharing them knowing when he did he would be beaten and imprisoned. I think it’s what the prison guards saw too that caused them to come to believe in Christ.
Although I still believe the question about the tree came to me from God, I’m not so sure it had come to reveal anything different about the tree. It did after all come as a “what if” question, not an actual statement of fact. If its purpose was to get me to think about what’s true and what isn’t, it more than fulfilled its purpose! Knowing I wouldn’t be willing to suffer very much if at all, to say for sure that God did not create the tree of the knowledge of good and evil told me that people aren’t willing to suffer for what they don’t believe. Not even for what they aren’t quite sure they believe to be true. That realization helped me to accept Paul’s teaching. It also caused me to sort out what I do and don’t believe. I just ask myself one simple question: “How much would I be willing to suffer for that”?
Once I decided to believe Paul’s teaching, my eyes opened to learning more about what Jesus accomplished on the cross, to His gospel of grace, and to the powerful truth of who I am in Christ. I’m excited to see how my life will change.
To be continued . . . see Trudy Avenue
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The last class in the series Jim and I had been taking at church was scheduled at a hotel on the beach about an hour away as a bit of a retreat. Looking forward to a little time away from caring for my mother I elected the overnight stay option. I had lined up a caregiver to stay with my mom, but the week before the retreat she was admitted to the hospital. It was serious this time. Doctors and nurses had been instructing me about hospice and leading me that way. As a Christian, I wasn’t sure if hospice was the right thing to do and was waiting on God’s guidance, looking for the slightest indication as to what He would have me do. When it came, it came in a way that still blows me away when I think about it.
With all the difficult decisions, I was needing time away from the pressure more than ever. Since my mom was being well cared for in the hospital, we decided to go ahead with our plans to attend the class retreat. I had also decided to focus on what we were learning and wouldn’t talk about what was going on with my mother to anyone while we were there.
The morning of the class, I spotted two available seats next to a woman we had enjoyed discussions with previously. Also already seated at the table was a couple I hadn’t met before. They turned out to be retired missionaries from our church. When they started talking about the book they had written: I Heard Their Cry, I immediately thought our seating arrangement was no coincidence. I had just posted on my blog what was to be the final chapter of my first book: A Different Way and had been researching publishing companies. I was even more surprised to hear their publishing company was one I’d talked to about my book. Now was my chance to learn more about the publisher and the entire process. But as it turned out God had more pressing information for me to learn from these missionaries.
After finishing the buffet style lunch that had been served in our classroom, there was more than an hour left before class was to reconvene. When the missionary couple asked if we’d like to come along for a walk on the beach, I jumped at the chance to talk more with them.
Once we made our way to the beach, Jim and Ray paired up and walked on ahead of Virginia, and I. Virginia started our conversation by casually asking, “How was your week?” Still not wanting to talk about what had been going on with my mother, I said, “Oh, you don’t want to know,” hoping she would change the subject. Instead, she stopped and looked at me with genuine concern.
Then it all spilled out. The whole horrible story about my mom being in the hospital and because of her dementia the doctors were looking to me for decisions on how far to go with treatment, and about them educating me on hospice care and how confused and undecided I was feeling. That’s when Virginia confessed something to me that was so surreal. She said, “I’m a hospice nurse.” Instantly, at that moment, without saying anything we both knew we’d been set up by God. We stood there, crying, looking at each other in utter amazement.
Just by Virginia saying she was a hospice nurse cleared up for me whether it was right for a Christian. Not only was she a Christian, her lifelong service to God as a missionary also told me she was a strong, committed Christian. It couldn’t have been more evident to me that my encounter with Virginia was the guidance I’d been looking for from God. But was hospice what my mother would choose if she could understand?
The fact that my mother was so willing to endure all the medical procedures without complaint still made the decision for hospice hard for me. I’d learned from Home Health Nurses, who had previously come to the house, that even with dementia they would not violate my mother’s will. If she said “No” they would not continue. It was her choice. But this time she hadn’t said no to anything, making me think her will was to proceed with the life-saving treatments.
Soon after the retreat there came the point where a particular procedure was necessary for my mom to live, but would leave her in a condition in which I knew she would not want to live. As hard as the decision was to discontinue all treatment and make her comfortable with hospice care, it was finally clear to me it was the right thing to do for her. It was time to let her go. She was two days in hospice and then in heaven. But was she?
I hoped she was in heaven, but I wasn’t sure. I never was able to get her to go to church with us. But with all the sermons I watched on Christian television she had been exposed to God’s word during the time she lived with us. She had heard us read our Bible aloud and talk about God. She’d also willingly joined hands with us while we prayed at meals. But was it enough?
There was also the time I’d gotten frustrated with her saying, “I can’t!” all the time, especially when it came to exercise. It got to the point where she needed a wheelchair around the house. The wheelchair didn’t fit through the doorway to her bedroom, so she had to walk a few steps to her bed. One day she caught on that I was having her get out of the chair a little further down the hall each time. When she refused to get up, saying “I can’t!” I yelled, “Yes you can! You can have the strength of Jesus!” Instead of getting mad and yelling back like she usually did, she looked at me so sweetly and with a sincere voice said, “I can?” Yes, I said, “All you have to do is ask Him. Do you want to ask Him right now?” She agreed, so together we prayed and asked Jesus to give her His strength. Thinking about it later after she passed, I asked God, “Was that enough for her, Lord? Did she make it with You to heaven?”
The answer came while reading my Bible in Acts 2:21: “Whoever calls on the name of the Lord, will be saved.” I knew she had done that when she called on Jesus for His strength.
Interestingly, while making calls to inform family and friends of my mom’s passing, my cousin, a physician, wanted to know the details of her death. After telling him the whole story, he said, “Wow, she had strength, a younger person couldn’t have taken all of that.”
Caring for my mom was quite a stretch for me, but with God’s help, I went the whole way. And I’m glad I did, I have no regrets. All that could have been done to give my mom every chance to live was done without going too far, leaving her in a condition she wouldn’t have wanted. Best of all I’m at peace knowing she made it to heaven. Thank You so much, Lord!
To be continued . . . see Sheep Road
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I had heard God speak within me and each time had been a profound experience. I‘d also followed God to places way outside my comfort zone, learning to do things I would never have guessed I could do. On Sheep Road I was led to believe that hearing God’s voice and following Him can become more natural than I thought.
About half the way home from visiting our Texas friends we decided to stay the night in New Mexico. While pulling into a parking space in the motel lot, I heard a voice within me say “Park on the other side.” Quickly comparing the two spots I thought, “Oh what’s the difference” and continued into the first space, ignoring the little voice. Unfortunately, while we were leaving, I discovered the difference between the two areas.
As I was backing out of the parking space, there was a loud crashing noise, and our car suddenly stopped and wouldn’t go any further. I had hit something, but what? I couldn’t see anything. It turned out to be a concrete planter directly behind our car, too low to be seen in the rear view mirror. I probably could have seen it in the backup camera and heard the warning beeps if I’d been paying attention instead of talking to Jim at the time. Too late for any of that, the damage had been done. What bothered me the most was ignoring the little voice, especially after realizing that if I’d obeyed the voice, the planter would have been in front of the car allowing plenty of room to safely back up.
It was a hard lesson, but it got my attention and motivated me never again to ignore the voice. Though I tried, there were still times when I wasn’t sure if it was God’s voice or just my own thoughts in my head I was hearing. Feeling unsure about when to follow the voice and when not to, one day the voice showed up to help me.
It happened at Bible study while serving as Audio/Visual Tech–another job I’d been called to do that I knew nothing about. I planned to continue another year as a greeter, a role I’d become quite comfortable in since I was also a greeter at my church. But when I reported to the door the first morning of the new class year, I was asked to serve as an Audio/Visual Tech. “What?! I replied, “I know nothing about that!” After learning that my name had come to the Leaders Council while praying for God to provide someone for the position, what could I say? I wasn’t going to say no to God, so here I go again learning something new.
I was shown to the sound booth and got started by merely doing what I was asked to do. Later there were a couple of training sessions to learn the equipment basics, but mostly I learned by doing each week. Along with setting up the microphones and equipment for the worship team, I was responsible for “mic”ing the Teaching Director before her lecture and removing it afterward. I also advanced the PowerPoint slides by following her cues. This one morning her outline had several more points than usual, and she spoke quickly to fit them all in. So fast that the ladies had trouble keeping up with filling in the answers on their printed outlines before the next slide appeared. A couple of ladies came to the booth during the lecture to inform us about it, and we told them we’d put the answers up at the conclusion.
My routine at the conclusion of the lecture was to make my way up the aisle to remove the teaching director’s microphone, squeezing by all the ladies on their way out. That morning they were blaming me for missing answers on their outlines. One lady even stopped me and said, “You can’t go that fast, you need to slow down!” I quickly answered by saying, “I follow Sharon’s cues.” As I continued to the stage these words came to me: “You knew who to follow in that instance. It can be the same with Me.” Immediately I knew it was the Lord, there was no doubt. I was so excited that by the time I reached the Teaching Director I blurted out what had happened and what I had heard the Lord say to me.
Not long after, I came upon an online sermon series based on what Jesus said about hearing His voice: “My sheep hear My voice, and they follow Me.” Pastor Keith Moore talked about what it said in ways I hadn’t thought of before, pointing out that the only qualifier is being one of His sheep. I knew I was, I had accepted Jesus into my heart and was trying to follow Him, I just hadn’t thought of it as the only requirement to hearing His voice. Also seeing that it’s a fact that His sheep hear His voice confirmed for me that it had been God’s voice I ’d been hearing throughout my journey. So then, if I’d already been hearing His voice, what was the Lord trying to tell me that morning at Bible study?
After some thought, it became apparent that I needed help with the “following” part of the verse since I’d heard His voice and still ended up wrecking the bumper of our car. So I did what pastor Moore did and went line by line dissecting what God spoke to me. First I heard Him say, “You knew who to follow in that instance.” So I asked myself, “How did I know to follow Sharon?” She’s the teaching director, following her came with deciding to accept the Tech position. Each week she goes over her lecture notes, giving me cues, so when I hear her say certain things, I’ll know what to do. That’s when the second part, “It can be the same with Me,” started to make sense. I can follow God the same way I knew to follow Sharon! It’s the same process–following Jesus came with my decision to accept Him into my heart. He has given me a copy of His notes (the Bible) and has put His voice (the Holy Spirit) within me, so when I hear Him say certain things, I’ll know what to do.
It finally dawned on me that the lesson on Sheep Road was on learning how I can follow God’s voice over all the other voices, including my own, that are clamoring for me to follow them. Seeing it so powerfully illustrated in my personal experience helped me to realize I’ve been given everything I need to follow Him. I just need to pay closer attention to what I see in the Bible and to what I hear Him say within me.
To be continued . . . see Legion Hill
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While helping with the check-in desk at my cousin’s church conference, I noticed a man sitting in the corner watching me. When the line caught up, and he made no move toward me, curiously I said to him “Can I help you?” His reply was even more curious: “The Lord has something I’m supposed to say to you, but I don’t know what it is.” What?! I said, “Are you sure it’s for me?” Not only was he sure, he further explained that every time he tried to get up and leave the Lord had him stay. At that point, we were both fascinated as to what the Lord was up to. Hoping the message would come to him we chatted a little. I found out he was the pastor of the motorcycle ministry serving as security for the conference, which calmed my suspicions. About that time word came from inside the meeting for us to quiet down, and so our conversation came to an end.
Later that day I had the chance to talk with the man again. The message still hadn’t come to him, but he was interesting, and I felt there was much to learn from him. As I listened, he began talking about the man in the Bible with many demons called Legion. I knew the story well since it’s where I get my purpose for writing my journey, but I’d never heard what happened to the pigs described in that way before. When he said, “Those pigs couldn’t stand the demons for even a few minutes, and they went and killed themselves” I just knew it was what the Lord wanted him to tell me. Although planning suicide was where my own journey with God had begun, I hadn’t ever connected suicide in that story before, but suddenly there it was.
When I got home, I took a closer look at the story. Other times my focus had been on Jesus telling Legion to go back and tell his friends what God had done for him, which is my purpose verse. This time I noticed the different people that were in the crowd that asked Jesus to leave, the ones Legion was sent back to talk to. Some were the herdsmen who had witnessed their herd run over the cliff after Jesus cast the demons from Legion and they entered the pigs. Many had heard what happened as the witnesses fled to the nearby towns. And many more had heard from those who had heard it from the witnesses as the news quickly spread. When they all rushed out to see for themselves, they found Legion clothed and in his right mind sitting with Jesus. The Bible says they were frightened and asked Jesus to leave. Legion wanted to go with Jesus at that point, but that’s when Jesus told him to go back and tell his friends what God had done for him.
After getting a better look at the people Legion was sent to talk to, I was a little frightened too and questioned the Lord regarding my purpose. “Lord, you want me to talk to people who are mad at You?” His answer to me was, “Keep reading.” Then I saw the very last line at the end of the story that read, “and the people marveled.” How fun, I thought, I could handle that! A few months later the Lord revealed something from my childhood that would give me a more personal view of the story.
Soon after my book “A Different Way” was published I was invited to share my testimony and talk about my book in front of a Sunday school class at our church. While practicing what I had prepared, I started with: “I wasn’t raised knowing God. God was never spoken of in our home.” I felt the Lord interrupt me and say, “That’s not true.” What? I said, “Lord, how can that not be true? When were You ever spoken of in our home?” He answered, “Through the swear words.” Stunned, not knowing what to think, I kept the revelation to myself for a long time.
Thinking back to my childhood, I remembered times of loud swearing which included the words, God and Jesus. I just hadn’t considered that I was learning about God in that way. I wouldn’t think it counted, but apparently, it did. I couldn’t help but think hearing those words in anger, even though at the time I didn’t know what they meant, may have kept me from knowing the love of God sooner in my life. I also wondered how many others had learned about God that way. It could be significant, and important to share with others but at the time I wasn’t comfortable revealing it about myself. Yet, it stayed on my mind.
My mind kept going back to Legion, and to the people who blamed Jesus for the loss of their pigs. I wondered if I’d been raised by someone who had held something against God. It would explain a few things. Another part of the story I’d usually overlooked (because I didn’t understand it) was beginning to make sense. Included at the end of Mark 5:19 where Jesus tells Legion to go back and tell his friends what God had done for him is the phrase, “and how He has had compassion on you.” It was the compassion Jesus had for Legion and his living conditions that moved Jesus to cast the demons from him despite the risk to the pigs. I also began to see the compassion Jesus had for the townspeople even though they asked Him to leave. I saw it as His purpose for sending Legion back to talk to them–so they could also come to understand the compassion God had for them.
It finally occurred to me that I could have been all of the people on Legion Hill at one time or another. I had first heard about Jesus through angry, fearful words. And I may not have directly asked Jesus to leave, but there were times I’d passed on opportunities to learn about Him. Though it came later in my life, I’m grateful for encountering Jesus, to have my demons and doubts driven out through the lessons along this journey. I can relate to wanting to be with Jesus and yet hear the call to go back and tell my friends what God has done for me. So glad, unlike Legion, I can have Jesus with me as I do. And for sure, I’m one who marvels. Now that I’ve learned compassion was God’s purpose for sending Legion back to tell his story, my purpose has become more clear. By telling what God has done for me, I’m extending His compassion to others.
To be continued . . . see Vision Drive
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